There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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