Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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