Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
