there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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