did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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