Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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