Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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