So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
