life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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