and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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