tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
