What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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