Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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