I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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