Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
