to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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