I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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