I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
