Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
