Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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