So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
