So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
