just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
