If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
