my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
