she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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