I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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