if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
