ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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