we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
