Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
