i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
