By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
