turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
