I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
