i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS