I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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