Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
