Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
