STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
