Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
