How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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