I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
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I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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