What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
