i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
