i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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