I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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