Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
