Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
