just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
