there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
