I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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