You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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