Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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